Category Archives: Experiences and Background

Things I’ve seen or experienced as well as some background info on me, and my experience of Asperger Syndrome and ADHD.

Chemtrails, WTF?

Four hours after coming home from work: Find myself Googling chemtrails.

Fuck you ADHD! How the hell did I get here? You’re wasting my life, and what the fuck Asperger, did it really took you four fucking hours to figure out what the hell was going on? Get me out of here! NOW!


Ok, it started with me reading an article about Facerape. I mean who the fuck came up with that idiotic expression?

So I was thinking about comparing the relationship between Facerape and being raped live on Facebook with comparisons between the drowning accidents of immigrants on the Mediterranean with Auschwitz… (I voted against it, but they follow a similar pattern…)

That’s when I thought… can I find something about chemtrails here?

Wait… that was after I stumbled across this prophetic vision of the future

And down the rabbit hole I went.

And now I am almost back. And fuck me if I got anything out of it…. other than the knowledge that there are seriously, seriously broken people out there in the world.

Here’s my message to anyone that believes chemtrails are a problem today:

This was solved decades ago. You should head over to Area 51. They give out cures. I think the government needs to update their mind controlling broadcasts to include this information.

Ok. I am kidding. There are no chemtrails, there are no Area 51 (except there are) and there are most definitely no governmental mind control broadcasts. (Ummm… if you exclude state-sponsored TV… but I’ve already excluded it—who the hell want that shit?—so… no mind control broadcasts for me…)

Crap! Two out of three… that must mean chemtrails exists as well? Right!

(4.5 wasted hours now… Aaaarrgghhh stop! Now!)

Seeing patterns

Torajan pattern - pa're'po sangbuaI’ve understood Aspies are good at seeing patterns (from a discussion group on the diagnosis criteria at Asperger center in Stockholm, among other sources).

The thing is I might be too good at it, or seeing the wrong patterns.

As a programmer I am greatly helped by being able to look at program code and see if it’s wrong somehow (a bit like a “biological code compilation” ;o), although it has also made me allergic to code that has been applied using the “load it into a shotgun and blast it in”-method.

One peculiar fact I’ve noticed with respect to patterns is a tendency (of mine) to see only vowels. I was mixing up the swedish cities “Göteborg” (Gothenburg) and “Örebro” (not sure what that translates to). This was simply because on the vowel level they are “the same”: Ö-e-o.

Lately I’ve been having the same problem with “terapeutisk” (therapeutic) and “pedagogisk” (pedagogic). This case is a bit different though since only the two first vowels are equal.

The mix-up in the first case seems logic. It’s between two swedish cities. In the second case, however, it’s a bit more complex. My first thought was that I, somehow have put therapy and pedagogy in the same category (“Freudianize” that!) but then it got me thinking. What if the mix-up came before the classification? I mean I said to myself, well I mixed them up, so I probably think of them as the same somehow…

Obviously I don’t go around mixing things up this way all the time. The above examples are the only two I am aware of! But if the mix-up can happen across categories… wow imagine getting old and senile… (or not!)

Then again, maybe this happens to “loosely coupled” words/subjects. I live in Stockholm, some 600 km from Gothenburg and about half that distance from Örebro. Since I live far from both and have only stopped at Örebro train central on my way past it, I guess they have little importance to me, so I mix them up.

Cocktail Parxshrorichhheeeeiii – Or, what did you say?

Cocktails_mit_Schirmchen_300Something very strange is going on when I hear several people talk at the same time.

I think the best way to describe it would be to say that I get a few milliseconds of one conversation, then a few of the other, and then back to the first. It becomes a completely unintelligible noise. I don’t hear words… I guess doing it in text would be like:

John (whom I am talking to) and Peter (who’s talking to Bob on the other side of the 2×2-table island) at the same time: sdoi dwhyaotu’sk ntohwe tvheerysihoanv?e a new web site?

Me: what did you say?

John, a bit impatient, apparently not having any problem whatsoever that Peter and Bob is talking at the same time we are: what’s the version?

I’ve tested my hearing – it was perfect. Or at least good enough not to warrant any form of action.

My problem isn’t my hearing. I just can’t separate people’s voices.

At a cocktail party this becomes an explosive and rather fantastic wall of incoherent sounds… almost like music.

That’s all fine, but when someone tries to talk to me… I am not able to say more than, “aha”, “okay” etc – I have no clue what they are talking about… I guess lip reading would be a way to go.

It does take small talk to a completely new level, though.

I hear everything the guys in the other end of the room are saying…

listeningBefore I started medicating my ADHD I was unable to work or concentrate around other people unless I wore headphones. The problem was two fold. I was unable to filter out sounds in my surrounding, and I kept wanting to answer people’s questions, even if they were talking in the other end of the room.

The first one was a problem for me which I solved with an iPod before I started medicating. After that I was soon able to get work done even without my iPod.

However, now I do not use medication and I am still not having the same kind of problem. This is because I’ve learned to accept that I won’t be able to answer conversations I hear, which in turn means that I don’t even bother listening to them. I simply do not care.

If they have a problem I might be able to solve, then they can come to me or mail about it or otherwise communicate about it. After all, you’re not required to answer questions before they have been asked!

Before I got my diagnose, it even got so far that a colleague of mine – my boss never mentioned who it was – complained that I was butting on on people’s conversations. The fun part; I got no complaints whatsoever. Apparently the sanctity of a conversation is one of these rules you’re supposed to just “know”. Well well…

Now, after having attended treatment with Mindfulness and Acceptance Therapy I was even able to sit on the train, tune out everything just to realize some silly teenager was probably trying to get a rise out of me by calling me… I don’t remember the name, but when one of his friends say “his name is probably not – whatever it was,” and I looked up and realized we were the only ones in the train car I have to assume he was talking to me.

That was a pretty drastic 180 degree turn, if I may say so 😀

Facial blindness

Blank faceI’m suffering from a mild form of facial blindness. I’ve understood some Aspies does, but I also think some of the cases are linked to my ADHD.

My case is not as bad that I can’t figure out who killed who in a movie, but there are cases where I’m drawing a complete blank on a person’s face.

In my case there are three scenarios with regards to facial blindness:

  1. I know the person’s face but I can’t figure out their name, or sometime where I’ve met them.
  2. Someone talks about some person, I don’t know who it is, and I don’t see a face, and when they point them out I did know the person’s face, but just not their name (basically the same as 1).
  3. And finally, I have the person in front of me, I can’t place them, and I don’t recognize their face… until they tell me who they are or I just get things sorted in my head. And then I realize I know this person quite well.

Number 3 is the only really real facial blindness scenario, as I’ve interpreted it.

A variant of 3, that I haven’t stumbled upon too much, is when you watch a movie or TV-series and get people mixed up.

Let’s look at a couple of examples.

In the first one I’m at the supermarket and a strange person in a hat comes up and looks funny at me. We stand and look at each other for a while until I realize it’s my best friends dad. I’m pretty sure the hat – some kind of felt-wide-rimmed-almost-cowboy-thing I’ve never, ever seen him in before. Funny thing was, he didn’t recognize me either, until he looked up, but then I was still drawing a blank. I think I got who it was when he smiled and said my name.

The second example is really funny. I’m arriving at work and a person I think is a colleague parks his bike outside. Hi, I say and he says hi back. By then I’ve realized it wasn’t my colleague, but it seems the other person may have thought he still knew me, because when we got to the elevator – I’m heading for floor 2 so I use the stairs – he calls after me to get in the elevator.

I think this example may have to do with stress or morning tiredness or something to do. I know the spontaneous “hi” was an ADHD thing… or in combination with Asperger, perhaps. The person I thought it was used to come to work by bike…


Crayfish – no thanks!

Crayfish ... or what's left of them after they've been chomped on by a Swede!

Crayfish … or what’s left of them after they’ve been chomped on by a Swede!

So, we have this tradition in Sweden. We eat crayfish… yeah to whomever, non-swede out there that knows what animal I’m talking about, this is like eating locust… Hey, wait… just look at the image… those are the … remnants of the sweeties we like to crunch down on…

Aliens! You have no chance in Sweden! We’ll eat you in August! 😀

Okay, to be honest… I cannot stomach this creature… not because it looks like such an evil thing, it’s because of the smell… Then again, I’ve felt foul smells on places where I can only assume no one else feels them… why on earth would people otherwise be sitting around eating lunch under the thick, black cover of an… odor.

Well in all honesty, it’s just a very faint scent of … rotten. Not like children would cry and people would call 112, or the morgue. But I have places, whole food courts, where I just cannot see myself eating. Unless they get rid of the stench.

Some investigation (and the unfortunate purchase of high quality “cow” meat) have lead me to believe the stench, in fact, comes from cows and burgers… umm veggies for Hoakzie?

Perhaps that’s an Aspie thing… (I’m fairly certain it is…) As I’ve heard it people with Asperger might feel extremely sensitive to light, or – in my case – smells. On the other hand, it’s just certain smells I’m sensitive to… but then I’m really sensitive.

The man who can keep a secret may be wise…

“The man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no secrets to keep.”

/Edgar Watson Howe

Fingers_Crossed_by_SouthwestI love this quote, because it tells me honesty is the best way to go.

Of course, there are such a thing as too much honesty. When being honest it’s important to take political correctness into consideration, keeping from telling a good friend or family member exactly what you think in situations that doesn’t matter… on the other hand, if someone is doing something really dumb, it may still be necessary to tell them so, in a diplomatic way.

What I find to be nice in this quote is more about being really dishonest. I’ve been in situations where I’ve had to lie, manipulate and do a lot of really idiotic things – it never ended well. Today I’ve, mostly, gotten rid of the people that lived the kind of lives that seemed to require those kinds of lies and that dishonest conduct.

I always feel bad when I cannot be my very best, but unfortunately there are lots of situations where that’s impossible. Just in order to get most things in this world done in a timely manner you have to compromise, and will most likely end up with something that isn’t the best it can be, but it is ready when it needs to and you have to settle with “good enough”.

For instance, my job. Working in the IT-business, you’ll have to accept most solutions is a hodge-podge where sellable has stumbled on buyable, and you’re actually doing something, far from as good as it can be, that someone wants to buy. I fear half measures, white lies and over sells are just a natural part of capitalism. But hey, as long as you get paid… right?

The tricky part for me, is that I cannot always be honest about this. Most of the time, at least in professional situations, I’m asked to overlook the flaws and underline the good instead. Unfortunately I have, more than once, scared the life out of customers and others when being that honest, and I can see I’m not living in a world where 100% honesty is wanted or appreciated…

That genuinely sucks, but being that honest seems to not be part of good communication, and well… trying the be the best I can be… being a good communicator is also an important thing…

So anyway. At least in my writing I can settle for nothing less than my very best, which of course is a best-for-the-day… after all, if I wrote the best book I could write today, then tomorrow I could go fishing instead, because I’ve already written the best book I could… no use trying to write another one…

Aspies have to think, all the time…

I feel I have to spend so much time thinking in social situations (and many others). Is there a reason why Aspies have to think all the time? Perhaps even an evolutionary one?

I had a really interesting thought a couple of weeks ago: Whenever I’m in a social situation I always have to “figure things out”. I have to think, analyze and make almost calculated guesses about what’s going on – and I still fail to catch some things anyway (and I actually hate guessing as well). As far as I have understood, when you are an NT (Neurotypical – normal, I think I have used and explained that term before…) you don’t have to analyze and intellectualize so much, you just “have a feeling” and go on your “gut instincts”.

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Pieces of the Asperger puzzle

Pieces of a Puzzle.

photo by INTVGene on Flickr

When I look at people I believe I can see a bit of both Asperger and ADHD in almost everyone. Persons that talk a bit too much, or take a bit too long to solve a problem, or gets stunned by things happening too fast around them. But they don’t seem to have this so much that they have a real problem. It just seems like it’s part of their personal make-up or something they do like an Aspie or a person with ADHD (a Dampie?), they just don’t do it so much it becomes a problem.

I have come to a conclusion about all this. I have no hard scientific fact to support my thoughts but I have figured out this much; both Asperger Syndrome and ADHD are based on genes, but they are far from as simple as the classic “will my kid get blue eyes” question – or any question of eye color, hair color etc. When it comes to Asperger and ADHD it is most likely a combination of genetic factors that lays the ground for a diagnosis (and as I learned while studying psychology, both psychological and environmental factors will play into how pronounced these genetic factors will be and how many problems they will cause – or even if they will be an asset).

My conclusion is that most people has traces of both Asperger and ADHD in their genes (and a bunch of other psychological disorders). I think you should look at any disorder as a puzzle, with many pieces. The pieces being the genes, and the clarity of the puzzle – can you see what it depicts with the pieces you’ve got? – decides if there’s a diagnosis hiding behind the persons behavior, or not.

After all, in most families Asperger, ADHD, OCD, bipolar disorder, etc just didn’t pop up from nowhere. When you have someone with a diagnosis you can, in most cases, trace remnants of the disorder – or in fact precedents – back in the family tree, so that, for instance, the father might have it almost, but not the grandfather, but perhaps the grandmother on the father’s side has a really strong personality, but no real disorder, and so does the grandmother on the mother’s side, but not the grandfather on that side. However, when all these strong personalities and “almosts” comes together in a grand child, suddenly there’s a diagnosis… or two…

Living in the Moment…

I remember a forum discussion where an Aspie was talking about his problems when living in the moment. Someone else commented that living in the moment sounded like a great idea and they wished they could do the same.

Yeah, haven’t we seen the movie/read the book and envied that wonderfully crazy guy that was living in the moment, improvising his whole life and just having a laugh all day, not a worry in sight?

I used to live in the moment, sometimes I still do, and I’m working hard not to.

You might ask why on earth I would go and do such a thing, aren’t living in the now supposed to be fun?

Sure, when you get into the zone, has flow, create faster, better, cooler than ever before, get everything right and the only thing existing is that wonderful thing called the “Now and Here”, then living in the moment rocks.

But when you drop out of “the zone” hungry, just to realize you forgot to do the grocery shopping, and whatever, there’s no clean plates anyway, but then again – oops isn’t it about time to head for work, and what happened with sleeping, and why the hell didn’t I do the laundry in the weekend as I had planned to… then living in the moment suddenly isn’t so hot anymore.

Living in the moment actually means living in the moment, not just paying it a visit whenever it’s fun to do so… However, I am pretty certain I have a huge advantage here, and all I need to do is learning to control it (or well, at least learn to leash/unleash it…)

I believe both the controlling and unleashing of the moment is important. You could just ride the wave, forget about food, sleep, clean clothes, work, family, economical independence, etcetera… or you could tie it down with ropes and chains, controlling it so hard it won’t even be able to wriggle an ear, and you will probably lose something potentially creative, productive and really powerful in both cases.

I believe, the key is being able to decide when to be in the moment and when to be in the “future”.

I think one way of doing that might be by using mindfulness. At least then I can decide when to start, or not, by creating distance to the impulse to enter “the zone” long enough to allow myself to make a conscious decision about to enter or not. It would then be interesting to see if I might be able to use the same tools to leave “the zone”, or keep in touch with time while “in there.”